For Your Own Safety

Okay- I just rode back from Juneau then Anchorage to Fairbanks (with Mark Begich behind me in the "main" cabin) and I have a few things to say about the airport experience.

First of all, I was really offended when I read a sign on the door into the terminal from the Wings of Alaska airstrip. It read, "For your own safety, you are being videotaped". Does that bother anyone else? I am not be videotaped for MY safety. If I want to feel safer, they should videotape everyone else- not ME! They are videotaping ME for EVERYONE ELSE'S safety.

The next really bothersome routine was being informed by a uniformed crewmember on how to work my seat belt. It seems like that should be taken out of the safety briefing. Most airplane riders have experience with seat belts or are at least intelligent enough to figure how to put two pieces together. When you get a boarding pass and you are checking luggage, you are asked, "Are you carrying any explosives?" If I actually knowingly and willingly was, of course, I would say no. But, they could just as easily ask, "Do you know how to use a seat belt?" Even if they didn't, the chances of both you and the person in the seat next to you not knowing is infinitessimally small. Also, we have the additional safeguard of being monitored by the ever vigilant flight attendent who notices small bits of trash that needs to be immediately removed and who might be able to notice someone struggling to fasten a seat belt. Aha!, you might say....it's unfastening it that may be problematic in an accident. But isn't everything problematic in an accident? Is there anyone who died in a plane crash that would have survived had they only known how to unfasten their own seatbelt? And, if those arguments don't convince you, look around. How many people are actually listening to the seat belt instructions? Certainly not the person who is in an airplane for the first time! They are busy looking out the window at the guys with knee pads, cool red flashlights and mickey mouse headsets.

I heard about a time when the oxygen masks actually fell down from the compartment above. Everyone had been waiting for this opportunity to use the important information that they learned and donned their masks awaiting further instruction from a uniformed crew member. Unfortunately, all the uniformed crewmembers were having a break back in the galley of the plane and imagine their surprise to find their entire planeload of passengers wearing masks, like some sort of ghastly party. The masks dropped due to a glitch (how many others were there?) so it all came out okay.

Since I have been occasionally riding in first class, my whole outlook on life on an airplane has changed. I feel the envious eyes of the minion watching me when the mic announces that boarding is open for First Class or MVP, either one being better than most. They wait to see me sent back humbly to wait in line, but no, I have the magic ticket. I have a little water bottle on an actual armrest welcoming me to my spacious seat. Someone offers to take my coat and what? hang it up? I make a selection from the snack basket and I'm asked if I want a lemon in my drink. I've been told that first class is wasted on me since I don't need the extra space and I don't drink wine, but it is nice to be amongst the first ones off the plane after a long trip. If I can't get upgraded due to my MVP status earned by long tedious flights to Bethel and sometimes Kotzebue, I go back to the drudgery of the "main cabin". I have tasted the nectar, and it was sweet.

Whilst in the front of the bus, I do miss the jostling, shoving and material for my book that comes from people who are spatially challenged enough to board with enormous suitcases to cram into the overhead bins that are already full. I watch with mouth agape.

Enough already. And let me be the first to welcome you to Fairbanks.